Monday, February 06, 2017 | 12:04 PM
So, I'm super sad today...the Falcons lost the Super Bowl (ughhhhh)....and I'm in Houston typing at my AirBNB. I hung out with a cutie (super young so he's not serious)...but it felt great to be pursued. It's just empty afterwards because it's not "real", ya know? Like, we flirted and such...even kissed...but that was it. Because he's too young to be serious. But he's super dope. Just awesome. Great chemistry too.
Also, my secret crush on my photographer friend has to come to an end. I didn't reallllly entertain it because he has a girlfriend that he's in love with. But our friendship chemistry is really dope and great...and he's cute and awesome. But, I saw he just posted a pic of them together (she's really pretty - like naturally pretty with no makeup) and his caption said "my happiness". They look very happy together. I'm happy for him. Just sucks for me.
It sucks because I'm not any closer to finding my forever relationship.
Oh, and I'm super sad because apparently, the podcast i did with my photographer friend...hurt my dad's feelings. My friend asked me on the podcast where did i get the drive to work as hard as i do...was it from my parents? And I said, well because my parents divorced when i was 10...and my mom was a homemaker (and that was fine) and didn't have a lot of money after child support, i had to work. I said my dad worked hard as heck, but the child support check for 5 kids doesn't cover a lot.
So, my stepmom told me today that he was hurt, even though he wouldn't really say it like that.
And that broke my heart this morning. I never want my dad to feel hurt. I wasn't trying to belittle what he did for us...it's just, my drive came because my mom didn't work and we struggled...not because he wasn't great and did everything he could.
Just sucks. Now I don't know what to do...I want to talk to him but don't know how to bring it up.
But it's making me really sad...how do you fix something like that?
I guess as he would say...the same way you build a house. one brick at a time.
Le sigh...all of this is just making me feel unmoved and bummed...feel lost.
What am I running from in relationships? Divorce. Hurt. Pain.
Sometimes, it feels like no one wants me. Although I know that's not true. No one that I want wants me back. But maybe bc they're not meant for me anyway.
Argh....just can't anymore. I'm getting older. I'm 37. and it feels like I've missed the boat on a husband and kids...because I work hard at my career. Feels like an unfair tradeoff. But, I do love what I do.
I just need to date myself for now...that's all. But if I do, there goes the potential hubs and kids...I'm 37...time is quickly disappearing to have kids. If I miss that boat, I guess I just miss it. It'd be sad...but what can i do.
Le sigh. Ok. Going to finish my pity party and hopefully feel better after I facetime my dad tonight.
Saturday, March 09, 2013 | 2:28 PM
Today...is the first day...of the rest of my life. Every blog post until now has been tinged with pain, sorrow, hurt, infatuation, lust, and worldy desire. This is the FIRST post that reveals who I am today....and how Great GOD IS...and how today is a fresh start to the rest of my life, thanks to God and his will and goodness.
No, I'm not getting married. In fact, I am single, and finally breaking off the last attachment to my "ex". We've had an ambiguous relationship since I moved out 2 years ago, with him wanting to still be together and me not wanting that at all. However, it's been difficult to sever all ties because he's a part of my family, in essence. He and my brother are starting a gym together (he's financing it, and my brother is managing it), and he doesn't have any family that he talks to.
This is the FIRST post where I can admit -- I am worthy of the love God has for me, in heaven and on earth. My past, my family drama, etc....doesn't define me...my future is so bright that it outshines any darkness I may have weathered.
I have never been a "holy roller", but I've always believed in God. And lately, I have surrendered myself and submitted to his will, out loud, and he has been moving MOUNTAINS in my life ever since. I am a testimony to God's power and greatness...and his goodness and mercy.
I am who I am and where I am thanks to him. People ask me why I'm so successful (to them) in business, and it's because of him. Yes, I've had to work hard, but he has opened the doors.
Today, I will be severing the last tie to my ex...and though I feel confident that he knows I will do this today, I know he's still rather hold on to a piece of me than let me go. And that's going to be the tough part. I never want to hurt him...and in fact, I believe he's on of the best men in the world and would recommend anyone to date him. He's just not the man for me.
So, I'm praying over the situation and conversation and I know God will see me through. Faith without works is dead...I've had faith, but I haven't put in the work to finally sever it and move on with the next chapter in my life. But now, I'm more than ready and am excited for whatever the future holds.
I am single...happy...balanced...and in love...with myself. At my core, I'm at peace. There will be days that I'm frustrated, I'm sure...days when I'm sad, no doubt...but leaning on God's everlasting word will be my way through it all. And that's what I'm most excited about.
I'm finally (almost) back to being the REAL me...authentically...and I can't wait. I love this girl. For better or worse, she and I are 1...and can do anything with God's help.
I pray for all of you who may have stumbled on this blog...please know it's not by accident, if you have. There's a message somewhere in this blog for you...just sit still and think about what it may be. Open your heart to see what message comes through from your gut...from your soul...or from your heart. That's God whispering to you what you already know you should do. Trust it. Follow it. And he will see you through.
I love you all.
Thursday, January 03, 2013 | 12:36 PM
It's been a while since I've posted. I've been busy. I've moved out from living with the boyfriend...and broke up with him....kind of. Told him I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, but the truth is, I just don't see a future for me and him. I don't feel a romantic interest in him any longer, although I still love and care for him deeply as a friend and confidant. It's too hard to tell him that directly, but I have to.
Also, in the mean time...I met a guy. A nice guy. Spiritual guy. But...I think he's still in a place of healing from his last relationship....and may possibly still be with his ex...or a new girl. Whichever it is, he's unavailable emotionally. And I sense that. But I think he feels that I was always sad around him, which sucks. The trouble is that he came back into my life as a friend at a time when my family was going through a crisis. My older brother was arrested at our family reunion....by his fiance...horrible situation. And it took 2 weeks to get him out of jail. And that's when this guy came into my life. While I had the most amazing fun time with him when we were together, I was also having to be the rock of my family and manage this crisis almost entirely alone. Bail money,allowing my brother to move in with me temporarily (which has gone on FAR too long. it's almost been 3 months and I've been trying to get him out for at least 2 months). It's just a lot for 1 person to carry. The ex-bf keeps trying to help, but I can't accept his help sometimes because I need him to really be an EX...we have to get through this on our own. Poor guy...he's been with me for 10 years and is a part of the family now, so I get his wanting to help. I just don't feel that way about him anymore and my dignity can't allow it.
Anyway, I'm trying to get the spiritual guy off my mind and really understand it's over. The problem is...the chemistry and bonding was so real to me....and I hadn't felt that way about anyone in a while. So, perhaps I'm reluctant to let go of the feeling, and not him. Who knows. I wish this man all of the success in the world, though. The girl he is with is surely one lucky woman. But, I'm a great woman as well and my time will come. One day. For now, no more dating or non-dating. Just going to be me...the real me...on the inside...who's been dying to come out and play for a decade. Time to set her free.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012 | 5:23 AM
So, singer/songwriter guy and I have been hanging for about a month and he's proven to be super cool...until the other day when there was a hiccup that almost destroyed it all. But first, let me give you the background.
Singer/songwriter guy and I met 4 weeks ago thru our mutual friends breezy and CBabe. CBabe and singer/songwriter dude sing together at local shows and that's how my girl breezy met them...because at a show a month or two ago, CBabe saw breezy in the audience and they had a connection while he was on stage...and after the show,they met and have been hanging ever since.fastforward to July 20th, when I went with breezy to hear her singer boo sing in Lithonia at a restaurant. After the show, he introduced me to his "brother"/homeboy singer/songwriter dude. He was cool, but it was just a regular "nice to meet you" type thing. Then we all hung out until the wee hours of the morning...and I warmed up to the dude...and we all stayed the weekend at breezy's house.
It was a great, relaxing weekend. Dude was nice, but it was just a casual hang out so no biggie. We kept in touch after that and I think feelings started to grow. Breezy and I drove to Alabama to hang with the, for a weekend and they stayed with us in ATL a few times when they came to sing.
This bring brings us to this past weekend. It was breezy's bday bash weekend, and we hired the boys to sing. They perform, and dude was adorable and shouted me out on the mic, which was super sweet because by this past weekend, I'm really digging the boy. After that, I go into "party planner mode" for my girl and ensure everything that needs to be done gets done. Meanwhile, dude shouts out some tall chick in a blue dress and makes her smile. All good and dandy because that's part of his show. Then, later, everytime I see him, he's talking to this SAME CHICK. It's all good, because he's not my man, but I peep it nonetheless. Mind you, he would find ,e every so often to hug me and show some affection...then go right back to her.
When it was time to leave, me and dude left. Next day, I tease him about his "blue dress boo" and he laughs it off like it was ridiculous. I teasd just to let him know I knew, and I left it all that. All fun and ish. Then, we go to brunch with 12 others from the bday bash, including breezy and all her peeps. Lo and behold, blue dress girl is at the brunch and Sita right beside dude. I didn't even recognize her without the dress until halfway thru brunch, then I went in on dude teasing him about bringing his blue dress boo to brunch. He laughed it off again, and I left it alone.
Dude leaves to go back home to Alabama, and I head to breezy's for a pool party. Guess who's there? Blue dress boo. Them I hear breezy's roommate say to me, singer/songwriter dude ain't shit because he was trying to holler and go home with blue dress boo last night.
WTF...did I hear her right? Then another 2 girls confirm saying yes, he got her number and texted her at 3am the night before AND at the table during brunch when he was sitting right next to me and she was on the other side of him.
My fucking jaw dropped. I'm pissed. It was all jokes before, but to hear that he was on some shady shit trying to talk to this girl while he's hanging with me all weekend was too much. I was done.
I tell breezy and she's baffled. The girls all tell her what they told me. We're hot as hell at dude...and after fuming, I'm just over it.
When he texted me that evening saying "I miss you", I responded hours later saying "naw. It's all good. We still cool tho." and he was confused. I just couldnt deal with the trickery. When I went home, Breezy called him and told him the deal. Then he texted me asking me to call him to explain how it wasn't like that.
We talked late that night...and he said all the right things...but truth be told, my feelings were hurt because I felt tricked and disrespected. After the convo, he asked of we could talk the next day and I said ok.
Next day, I had lunch with breezy and talked thru it. She said her roomy and the girls are messy and started one bogus shit without verifying. I could agree wi that, but at the end of the day, him getting that girls number and texting her that night AND at brunch while sitting next to me is still questionable. Even if it was platonic, it's a little shady. So now, while I wish we could go back to how we were, things are just different. I don't even know how to get back there if I wanted to.
Besides, he's moving to LA soon and he always talks about how he couldn't live in ATL because there are too many women and he wouldn't be focused. To me, that says that he's still searching for women and I need to keep my distance. Sad, but true.
And this is why I hate dating of any kind. You always get to the stage where you realize it's not what you thought or hoped for and it's time to throw thee guard up again. Sigh. Dan well.
Sunday, August 12, 2012 | 9:41 PM
A good friend wrote a song about a girl who's in the movies and how she's a star when the lights go down and the mics go off because she's a star to him. It's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard and it feels like it's speaking to me. He wrote it 2 days after meeting me because he thought it'd be interesting to write about someone in tv or the movies. The song's not really about me. It'd be nice to think I helped inspire it. I absolutely love it.
Anyway, that being said...I've slowly been letting go of "fine as hell" guy. We were actually supposed to have drinks this past Friday, two days ago, at my request so we could "talk". I guess I got it in my head, thanks to my girlfriend JJ, that I need to clearly state my feelings for him (I'm a non-vulnerable way, if possible) so I can also give him a chance to speak too...and so I can put this whole thing to bed.
Crazy thing is that I got sick with a terrible head cold the Thursday evening before I was to meet him on Friday. Thus, I canceled the drinks. When I texted him to cancel, he sent back a crying emoticon (:-'(. I said "u weren't sad" and he said "I was". And we joked and he called me a jerk and I said "you still love me tho" amd he said "of course." Made my heart melt just a little.
Then I saw him tweet a pic of his fiancé dancing at a wedding they attended. Sigh. What's the point? I don't event know what I want to say anymore at this drinks meeting. I suppose the only real question I have is "did you ever have any feelings for me at all??" that's the heart of it. I just wonder if he felt anything more than just friends because I definitely felt more for him. But what doesn't matter now. He will go off and get married and have kids and that will be that.
In other news, the friend that wrote the song is he sweetest man ever. He has tendencies like the main steady but he's so gifted and sweet to me and awesome. I'm just trying to enjoy it while it lasts. We will see.
Monday, June 18, 2012 | 4:33 PM
This man...who got engaged..."fine as hell guy"...has been the obsession of my thoughts for an entire week. It's been horrible. I'm trying to push him out of my thoughts, and only now is it beginning to work. A little. Hopefully, by the end of this week, I will have cleaned him out of my system.
So, to recap, 2 weeks ago before I went to Tokyo and Bangkok with the boyfriend, I text him (at the behest of my good actress friend) to ask him what happened to the drinks he mentioned when he called me to tell me he was getting engaged. He texted back and said "how about tomorrow?" and funny enough, I was leaving for Tokyo the next day so I said "I'm headed out of the country tomorrow for a week. How about the Wednesday after I get back?" and he said "Cool. Let's play it by ear."
So, that was that. So, when I got back, I dreaded meeting him for drinks. I figured it could only go one of two ways. He could either 1) talk about all BS and small talk, which would be kind of meaningless given that he dropped the engagement news on me a couple of weeks ago or 2) tell/ask me to keep our relationship under wraps because it could jeopardize his engagement/marriage...in other words, he could try to check me, and I would not stand for that. I decided that if he chose option #2, to check me, I'd kindly say "this conversation is over" and walk out. That would be a justified move.
Anyway, the Monday after I got back from Tokyo, he texted me and asked if we were still on for drinks that night...*thinking* wait, didn't I say Wednesday? Well, I told him my week was too tight that week, so let's push to the following week (mainly because my hair looked a hot mess after Tokyo because some chick in Bangkok put oil in it when I got a massage). So, he said fine to next week, and so we waited.
The following week finally came, and it was the Monday of our drinks. I figured the onus was on me to text him to confirm this time, since he texted last time to confirm. So, I hit him up and asked him if he was still good for drinks. He said yes, but it may be around 9pm. I said "cool, just keep me posted." He hit me up around 6pm and let me know we were confirmed for drinks and we could do it at Vickery's in Glenwood Park. Bet.
So, I head to the shoe store to kill time, and stumble on fabulous slingbacks with embellishments on the toe, and I change into them for our drink date. I was nervous, I must admit, because I had no idea how he'd approach it. I finally get there, and he's sitting at the bar on the phone. He waves me over, and give me a hug while he's on the phone and says just 1 minute. Of course, when he hugs me, electricity runs through my body, but I quickly shake it off and say "stand firm" to myself...I still don't know how this will turn out.
So, when he gets off the phone, we chat about everything - work, mostly...but work/life balance too. So, I'm naturally thinking "okay, he chose option #1...cool, but whatever." Finally, he says to me (after 2 beers myself, and after his 3 Jack and Cokes)..."So, what's up with us? Are WE cool?" and I say "what do you mean 'what's up with us'?" and he says "well, we haven't talked since I called you to tell you the news...", so I say "Then...talk. Go for it."
Of course, I didn't know what he'd say, so I steeled my nerves and prepared for anything. He then said that he really appreciated our relationship because we didn't sell each other dreams -- meaning, we never pretended it could be more than it was. And he said he really cared about me, which is why he wanted to call me before he got engaged to let me know. He said "I mean, I thought about it and asked my best friend...and I said, she'll probably always have a part of me...and he agreed that I should call you to tell you."
So, I'm processing all of this...and he then says "I mean, if you had gotten engaged, I probably would've felt some kind of way about it, even though I would've congratulated you." And all I could think is "EXACTLY." But, of course I don't say that. I then start to speak, and I say "yeah, it was a shock, but I was happy for you. I mean, what we had was special and I really valued it...but you made a decision and I have to be happy for you."
Then, he says "but, WE'RE still good, right? I mean, this is US." and I was like "yeah, but we can't really continue the way we were...I mean, you changed the game." And then we keep talking, I've finally relaxed, his knee is touching mine and we're laughing like old times...then he kisses me DEAD IN MY MOUTH. AT THE BAR. What?!
So, I pull back and say "whoa, we can't do that...I have to respect myself enough not to, respect you, and respect your girl, even though I don't know her." and he says "c'mon, you know I respect you." Then, I told him I always wondered what his friends thought of me because I'm sure they thought I was scandalous...and he said "absolutely not. I respected you, so they respected you too." That's a nice way to put it, I thought.
So, he leans in and kisses me AGAIN -- DEAD IN MY MOUTH...and I couldn't help but give in. DAMN MY HEART! Always betrays me when I need it to be strong. I'll have to fix that later.
Anyway, then we get up to leave...and as we walk out, he says "I'm going to follow you." and I exclaim "To WHERE?!"..and he says "to your place." Now, PAUSE...dude, you are ENGAGED...recently, even (like 3 weeks engaged)...what the hell are you thinking/doing?!
Fast forward...crazy thing about all of this is that the drinks were NOTHING like I thought. He didn't check me...at all...which was good. And in fact, I feel like it was the first time we really came clean about us both being in relationships and the way we thought of each other. He even said he missed me so much and how much I meant to him and how he'd never forget me. Sigh. Totally messed my mind UP. I've never heard him say that -- ever.
But...now I have to let it go. I cannot be the girl who makes him feel whole and helps him get to his wedding day. Now that he's officially chosen, we both have to respect his choice.
Secretly, I wish I could've been in the running for him...I didn't realize how much I felt for him and cared about him until that night we had drinks. Now, my mind won't stop thinking about it. But, I have to let it go. He did, officially, even if he still tries me. It's official. Cannot be the side piece. I deserve much much better. And so does his fiancee, I'm sure.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012 | 5:31 PM
So, today....3 weeks after I found out "fine as hell guy" got engaged...he texts me. I see his name pop up on my phone, and my heart stops for a beat. Then, it beats again, remembering it's over between us. I look at it, and of course it say something generic:
"L Dog, how are you?"....WTF?! Who the fuck are you to ask me how I am?! How do you THINK I am?! I'm actually fine....not horrible, not great...but I've come to terms with his engagement, and it's fine. It's cool. We would've never been. Even though a part of me still feels the tug of wonderment at why our chemistry was so great but our communication was so slack. Which is better to have if you had to choose? Chemistry or companionship?
Hmmm...got great companionship with my current dude, but no chemistry. with fine as hell guy, i have/had great chemistry but no communication or companionship.
Part of me wishes that he felt a nagging tug at his heart wondering if we ever could have been something. But, the other part of me hopes his marriage proposal and desire to be with his fiance is unfettered. She deserves it, I'm sure. I know I do. Man....
Hate that part of my heart still longs for him...or is it my loins? Hmmm....so, I just read 50 Shades of Grey, that erotic novel that has all housewives clenching their thighs together to catch the desire between their knees. Funny enough, some of Anastasia's thoughts when she's with Christian Grey remind me of fine as hell guy. Feeling like you're so lucky to have this beautiful specimen lying next to you and how you don't even want to move a bit because it's all so surreal. That's how I felt with him. It was always intense...always passionate...always lovely. Sigh. Those days are gone. May as well move on.
I'm tired of all guys. Married ones, single ones, dating ones. all of them. I don't want another guy unless I'm #1 in his eyes. Period.
Friday, May 04, 2012 | 5:32 PM
Fuck the world and the dog ass men in them. It's time to do me. So, I got a call today...well, last night...from fine as hell guy. He left a VM and I thought it was so sweet to hear his voice. I played the voicemail a couple of times that night...and the next day...just to hear his voice. I mean, we had a recent breakthrough. 2 or 3 weeks go, he said he missed our interaction....he said our times are intense and it had him pondering, like me. I tried not to read too much into it because he's always been a dangerous choice. Super flaky, yet super fine. Something about him spoke to me, and I never knew why.
So I called him back today while I was at a business meeting at the Ivy in LA with 8 colleagues/biz folks. I was in line for the restroom and he answered. I said "hey! Did you call me about the media takeout post about the public official you work for?" he said "no...what's that?" so I said "apparently, the blog posted that he was engaged so I guess his press peeps want to manage that." and he said "oh...well in similar news, I wanted to call and tell you...well, actually I wanted to tell you in person but my schedule has been hectic...that I'm about to get engaged." (my heart stops...then starts again...then slowly sinks with a deafening sound...with faked happiness I said "oh wow! That's big! Congrats to you...I'm so proud of you!" and he thanked me and said he didn't want me to find out about it on social media or through others...so I asked "how soon will you be engaged?" him: pause..."well, today."
So I said "oh wow! Well, congrats in advance!!!" and he said "thanks homie! Let's do drinks when you get back to town to catch up." me: "sure!" and we get off the phone.
I'm in the men's bathroom (only one open) and my eyes well up with tears and I sob softly...mad at myself for crying at all. This is only the 2nd time I've ever cried over a man in the bathroom and it shall be my last (first time was in college with the young boy deM Wils.
So that's that. Now I have to put on a Happy face and do my job and interact with DJs at this press junket...and pretend to be happy. But all I want to do is lay down in bed and be alone.
Funny thing is...I thought I'd beat him to the punch with being engaged...but boy, was it easy for him to tell me...it was hard for me to even think about telling him. Such is life.
I'm over men. I'm good enough...no GREAT enough to be first position in a man's life. No more playing second, even if I think it's what I want because I'm too scared to play first.
I want to quit all men for a while. I'm just done. I'm tired and I'd rather focus on myself. Damn. Fucking men.
Monday, February 13, 2012 | 3:24 PM
Sometimes I want to pretend that I love you and you love me.
Would you let me, just tonight, have that 1 small courtesy?
Whenever I'm alone, I think of your touch.
Your smell, your hair, you voice...means so much.
For some reason, your body and soul speak to me.
I hear it call me sometimes...I want to reply softly.
I'm here...right here...I'm yours in any way you want me to be.
You're mine. You're fine. I want to caress your body ever so gently.
Wonder if I'll ever find someone like you that can really be mine?
Or if I'll be left to wander the earth looking for my eternal valentine.
I wish I could tell you how I feel, but that would cross the line
That we've established over time as friends...
I'm thinking of you now...and always.
As Adele says..."sometimes it lasts in love...but sometimes it hurts instead..."
Tuesday, December 27, 2011 | 9:32 PM
Listening to gravity, by john mayer...and saw 2 quotes on twitter that really spoke...are speaking...to me.
"Not following your heart is like driving without GPS. You'll always end up at the wrong destination."
"Sometimes God doesn't give what you think you want. Not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve better."
Those 2 quotes are so conflicting for me right now. The first one speaks to me and says "leave...be free..follow your heart, even if it doesn't know the destination." and the 2nd quote says "stay where you are...you deserve this...the good parts, anyway...and you can have a wonderful life if you just calm down and enjoy it."
how do we really value the "spark" in a relationship? Is it worth 20%? 50%? 70% No one ever talks about what weight we put on the "spark", because most people are cynics or realists and feel the spark never lasts anyway. But, damn...I've been in my relationship 9 years and *counting*...15 days. I still don't feel the "spark"...arguably, I never did. I had the thrill of a new relationship...the infatuation of being with a good man...the comfort of being with someone who would always be there and never leave...and the friendship of 2 best buds and roommates. But spark? Passion? As ol' girl said in Coming to America at the end when Eddie says he can give it all up for her -- "nahhhhh."
So, what to do? This Christmas, just 2 days ago, my BF gave me a box that looked like a ring box. My heart thundered with anticipation and fear...like, "omg...please don't let this be a ring...the time has come for me to decide...shit." And lo and behold, I open the box slowly and inside are the most beautiful diamond earrings I've ever seen. WHEW! SOOOO glad it wasn't a ring because we're not "there" yet...and I've told him not to propose until we're "there".. But damn, after 9 years, if we ain't "There" yet, will we ever be?
Hate to think I'm wasting my life, but I do enjoy being with him and hanging with him. I just don't enjoy anything passionate/romantic/sexual with him. I'm not even into it with him. That part has died out in my eyes...perhaps from the lengthy time "apart" romantically...or perhaps because I've never thought he was that into me like that. He loves me...he even likes me...but desires me? hmm...maybe when he's feeling lonely...but otherwise, he's just happy i'm there in his company.
I think he's getting a little antsy tho, but I'm just not feeling it. Can't really explain why...just not.it's been to long. my internal mechanisms have killed off that side of me with him. which sucks...but it is what it is.
so the only question is "what to do now"...fine as hell guy is over. his GF is moving to atlanta this week. he thinks i don't know, but our mutual homeboy told me (which is kinda hater-ish but also being a good friend-ish...so it's cool). all good. no sense pining away for something/someone that's never going to be a possibility. He's Mr. Wrong, as Mary J. and Drake say. Dah well. He was a beautiful idea....that's a better way to phrase it. A beautiful, fun, fantasy that never was a reality...and never could be.
How do you deal with a relationship when you love your guy to death, but don't think you'll ever feel anything more than a best friend type of feeling for him? don't ever want to hurt him..i know he'd always be there for me and never let me fall....and be a good father...but that spark is MIA and always has been.
Damn. No one told me life would be this hard. As Dr. Seuss said "sometimes the question is hard and the answer is simple." That is so the case here.
Thursday, December 01, 2011 | 7:59 AM
I feel terrible...confused...emotionally torn...and, just a tad bit scandalous. Sigh. "fine as hell" guy needs to be cut. plain and simple. there's no emotional connection at all. he's just mr. fun guy.
that being said...this impending engagement has me thrown...what is my guy thinking? I told him NOT to propose until the issues are solved...but i think he may. well, i'm pretty certain he will. sigh. what to do, what to do.
why is life so complicated? all i want is simplicity right now. that is all.
Tuesday, November 08, 2011 | 7:01 AM
Whew....this week has been crazy. Went to a political fundraiser for the President (great)...bought a "wham, bam, thank you man" outfit that worked like a charm and fit like a glove (thanks, Nordstrom!), and partied like a rockstar...on a Sunday...with fine as hell guy...who seems to definitely take notice. Mmmm, mmm, mmm...he is so damn fine. Whew. Well, there's more to that story, but to be kosher, let's just say he does so right by me...i mean, goodness. whew! so sexy, so cute...there's not anything i don't enjoy about him (except his flakiness and the fact that he has a girlfriend)...but those are minor things, and i'm not his woman...and i have a man. so there.
I can't even explain my chemical attraction to him. i guess now I get what Lady Gaga was saying about "bad romance"...or is it "chemical romance"...i don't know, but whatever i feel for this dude is definitely chemical. the crazy part is...after hanging out with him...i'm good to go for this week. as if nothing (almost nothing) can phase me!
got into a car wreck...morning after the political fundraiser...and while i was pissed/upset...it turned out being ok. it was my neighbor who hit me in the parking garage while he was texting and driving...and he totally admitted fault and was super nice about it...and we actually had a good time (as good as you can have) waiting on the cops to come to do the incident report. and his boyfriend his hot...well, sexy...well...just wow. my neighbor is a great looking guy too so they fit well together. :) his boyfriend even got us chick-fil-a as we waited (great guy!)...
so, that's me. don't know why this "fine as hell" guy satisfies me so much...but he does...and i can get on with my week now...guess maxwell was right...
sometimes all u need is just a lil' somethin' somethin'. :)
Sunday, October 23, 2011 | 2:46 PM
To marry or not to marry, that is the question. 2 months ago, I moved out of my home that I shared with my boyfriend of 8.5 years (technically, his home which we've shared for 7.5 years together). It was an extremely tough decision, but one that I felt was needed. I never thought I would've been in a relationship this long and not be married, although marriage was never a goal of mine. I guess I thought it'd magically whack me over the had and I'd be married or broken up after 2.5 years with any guy. If you don't know by then, when WILL you know??
I remember being bewildered at my stepmother because she was engaged 3 times before she met and married my father (and they've been married for 18 years now). She was with a lawyer (same as my guy) who was wonderful (same as my guy) who loved her to death (same as my guy) but there was no spark (same as my guy). They dated for 8 years, and she broke up with him, much to her family's dismay. Look who's (not) laughing now.
So, now it's been 2 months, and living alone (for the first time in my life) feels oddly refreshing and lonely, depending on the day. It's wonderfully peaceful and boring, also depending on what day it is. But I'm thankful for it. With my new-found digs has also come a new-found desire to spread my wings - romantically.
The problem is, the distance has made my guy's heart grow fonder and made him finally realize he's ready to marry me. While, before I left, I told him I was ready for marriage and ready to marry him (IF...big IF...he could fix the emotional and physical intimacy issues in our relationship), now I'm not so sure.
To be frank, I'm scared he may not be the right guy for me. The scariest part is that I love him to death, and he's so wonderful to me and for me, but the spark/passion/chemistry just isn't there...I'm not sure if I've seen it in the last 6 years, even. Actually, our first kiss was horrible and I had doubts then.
So what is a girl to do? I just found out that he's been speaking to my parents about marrying me, so I guess it's time to pay the piper now and put my money where my mouth is. But, I want to stall him...I need more time. I still haven't seen him address any of the issues...I still don't feel close to him, romantically speaking, and I still don't think we have the spark that every marriage needs.
I'm not sure I'm the one he really wants...given everything he's said over the years (e.g. "you're not my ideal wife type...you're too curvy, I don't have a problem marrying you if that's what you want"). Those things really hurt, which he knows, and they don't make me feel confident that I'm the #1 choice for him. I feel like a consolation prize. I want a man that cherishes me and feels so very lucky to be by my side. Someone who I have a spark with, who likes to pump me up and wants to see me/us grow in every way possible. Sigh.
Has it just faded or was it ever there? I think it was never there, if I speak honestly. That being said, what am I supposed to do now. I don't want to lose him, but I can't move forward with him with any confidence. Sigh. Adulthood sucks sometimes.
Monday, May 16, 2011 | 9:35 PM
My grandparents have both died this year...within 3 months of each other. My grandfather, Papa, died January 4, 2011...after a long, debilitating decline into old age. My grandmother, Mama, just passed away April 30th...from a broken heart. One of my favorite movies is "The Notebook"...because the movie shows the meaning of "true love"...the kind of love that endures old age, degenerative diseases like Alzheimers...the kind of love where at 80+ years old, the husband says "that's my sweetheart in there...my home is with her."
I've always longed to believe in that kind of love...and it was only in the passing of both of my grandparents within this short frame of time that I truly became a believer. Some kinds of love...are unexplainable...unattainable...and underrated. It's the kind of love where you don't know where it's going but in the end, there's no where else you'd rather be. It's the kind of love your heart fights for...that you emotions long for...that your head hopes for....that people today don't understand.
As I sit here silently crying and typing...listening to the soundtrack from "the notebook" and reminiscing on the long talks my grandparents gave me on love, life, and happiness...I can't help but be thankful for the first hand example of what "true love" really means. It doesn't mean that you'll never experience heartache or disappointment...True love means that in spite of all of that, you'll stay together and love each other through it...until the end. When your spouse dies...and you're left alone...you realize that love can sustain you...but that love also can carry you over into the afterlife.
This is the kind of love I've always wanted to believe in but never had proof of...until my grandparents. While my current relationship is probably coming to an end...I try to hold out hope that one day, I too, can be as fortunate as my grandparents were to find everlasting love. That's the kind of love we should strive for...not perfect love, not loyal love...not forgiving love...but everlasting love. The kind of love that endures all.
Mama was a kind, yet biting/sharp lady, who leaned on her husband through thick and thin. Though she fought with him tooth and nail, she always loved him...and knew early on that she would love him until the end.
Papa, a comedic young man and a humorous old man, loved to tease Mama, even if only to make her smile after she got mad.
My grandmother said it best one day, when they were at my house for Christmas. I asked her "Mama, how do you feel about Papa now?" (she used to say, in the early days, that all she wanted was a divorce for Christmas...lol)...not too long ago, though, when she answered my question, she said succinctly and sweetly enough "I've got more years with him than I have left in this world." She loved him and was finally okay in admitting and boasting that to the world. While it may have taken over 60 years for her to publicly announce it, he was her best friend, her lover, her confidante, her business partner, and in the end, the only person she'd want to be with in life and in death.
I miss them so much...I don't think anyone can understand how much, other than my family. My heart is broken, but in death, all of our hearts are broken...it's just the cycle of life. We miss the good times...all of the advice she gave me....all of the advice he gave me...about life, love, and relationships. My siblings and I (and my mother) sat around the dinner table at my house a few Christmases ago, and they told us that the best person to marry was your best friend. They met at Tuskegee College in Alabama, and immediately my grandmother knew my grandfather was the man she wanted and needed to marry because he was loyal, a good student, and a distinguished man.
How I wished they could've seen me or any of my siblings married off. I worry that I may never find the right person to marry, but that's not something I can rightfully worry about. It's in God's hands (and mine, somewhat). If it happens, great. I just wish they could've seen it.
Now, the matriarch and patriarch of my family are gone...they were the only ones who led my family, since my parents divorced when I was 10 years old. So now, who do we look to for that leadership? that guidance? that love?
My family wasn't perfect, neither were my grandparents...but they were strong...and they were always there...as a unit. I haven't had any other "unit" in my life, other than them...that could command my family and rally us all.
My heart aches...even as I continue to write this. I wonder if I'll find it myself? Who knows. I'm just excited about the possibility of leaving myself open for that soon. It's scary, though...to place your whole heart in someone's hands. I've ever done that...ever. Never ever. I've been too scared....I've never tested the limits of my endurance for that kind of pain, and I was hoping I'd never have to. But, to live free is to let go and let God...and that can include pain. Look at Job...in the Bible...Pain is a human emotions....as is love...as is suffering..as is pleasure. All are the same and none are the same. The buddhist in me has to remember that, even though I'm a Christian by design and heart.
Love. Maybe one day, I'll receive it as much as I give it. :)
Saturday, January 01, 2011 | 1:11 PM
Drinking a glass of Chardonnay...unsure of what I'm about to say. I'm sad, hurt, tired, and sad...did i say sad? My maternal grandfather is dying and they don't expect him to make it until Monday (today is Saturday). It hurts me to see him dying before my eyes...and to know that HE knows he's dying. Our time here is so short. To be honest, sometimes I question why we're allowed to live at all? and experience the wonderful thing called life...create memories....have friends and loved ones...when the time is so short and when we all perish? That freaks me out. It freaks me out so bad that sometimes I scream when I think of it...especially when I think of how NONE of us know when our time will come. All we know is that it will...it definitely will. My grandfather has lived a long, wonderful life. He built a business from scratch, has 3 wonderful children and tons of grandkids. It's been a good life (in my Legends of the Fall voice). I just pray that he isn't in pain and that he has all of us surrounding him when he walks the long walk. That's all anyone can hope for, I suppose. I wish I had someone to confide in...well, I have this blog. Thank GOD for that. The guy doesn't understand, and that troubles me. I couldn't even be around him this afternoon. Instead, I went to target and spent $500 on random stuff to soothe the pain. Sometimes I just wish I had someone that would comfort me the way I need. Just understand and be there for me. No words needed...just a strong hug, a rub of the back, and I will know that you're there for me. Sigh. Can't worry about what i WISH i had...can only deal with what I DO have. funny..I DO. Many times, I DON'T. Well, most times...Damn. Life is hard. but i'm blessed to still be here and to still make new decisions that can impact my life for the better. And that's what I shall do. Promise.
Thursday, October 21, 2010 | 7:16 PM
Is it odd that I've been cyber-stalkin' fine as hell guy? I've been so "hot and cold" with him...because I'm scared to death of liking him partly because I can't really have him right now and partly because I'm not sure if he'd hurt my feelings one day. It's not just his looks, though. It's his seemingly soulful side that lures me.
So, I stalk him on a music site where he plays different songs (Grooveshark)...and the more I listen to the music he plays on his playlist, the more I like him. It's like I'm connecting with him through his musical likes...and I like most of the songs he likes...and he has diverse music interests. From hootie and the blowfish to Average White Band to Teddy Pendergrass to Coltrane. Wow.
We hung out last friday and had a rockin' time at this small house party. It was so much fun. We laughed with some other folks (some couples)...smoked a hookah...listened to music...and generally had fun. Sigh. Loved it. But after, he kisses my cheek and says "thanks, lil homie, for coming out." And there we go again...back to the homie shit. but it's cool.
So I haven't texted or called him all week. don't need to. I'm in a good space. Cool with nothing or something. He can call if he wants to hang...and if he doesn't, I'm cool there too.
Thank goodness I haven't violated my "no friend" rule...otherwise, this ish could get complicated.
Oh, and "he looks at me like i'm perfect" guy has been incognito too...dah well. We'll see. He's been in NYC....so we'll just see. I'm just me and doing me, like fantasia says.
Saturday, September 25, 2010 | 7:15 AM
So, all week...I said I was going to be "done" with fine as hell guy because he hadn't texted me since Monday...and I felt like he was pulling away anyway. I said "if he doesn't text by Friday, I know it's over...and I'll have to be ok with that". So all week I mentally prepared myself for it...and guess what? At 7:43pm...I got a text from him. A wave of relief, mixed with confusion, mixed with excitedness washed over me. Why, though?! DAMN! I wondered what his text was going to say...something good? Something intriguing? Something admitting he wished he had talked to me sooner? NOPE. It said "lil homie, what's good?" Damn. smh. That's what I get. So, totally flabbergasted, I responded..."chillin. what about you?" and he said "at a bar. you in for the night?" and i said, frustrated at him only hitting me up when he's out drinking "yup...laying low. tsk." now, I know the "tsk" comment always confuses him. I think he takes it more seriously than I do...and he said "damn, why is that?" so I told him "seemed like a bootcall - not my steelo"...and it's REALLY not. I don't do booty...or calls...or bootycalls. I'm just a girl that likes to have nice, harmless fun, right? Anyway, he responded saying that "how is it a bootycall if i hit u up at 9pm? #context"...so i had to break it down to him that since we hadn't talked in a few days...and he hits me up on the friday night tip...it could be perceived as a BC. now...BIG MISTAKE for me to admit that. why the HELL did i say that and make it seem like i'm more into him than need be?! If only i could have those words back...this is why i don't like pretty boys...they always think/know girls are more into the than needed...and i'm not..but i'll be damned if he hits me up to give away my goodies. eff that!
So, he said it wasn't a BC at all and "his bad"...and i laughed and said "good then. no worries. all is forgiven." and he then texted the dreaded question that i never wanted to see "when'd you start thinking too hard?" DAMN! See...wtf. i never wanted that question. so i said "haha...hit me with the silly chick syndrome...lol" and he said "not at all"...so i said "ok...i just want to cover my ass-ets". i thought it was cute, at least anyway, i told him i was good...and that was that. and he said "you'll always be the homie". So, here's the rub -- what does THAT mean? See, there i go thinking too hard again. i mean, girls can be homies of other girls...or guys...and whatever. but guess what...i don't give a shit about the name homie OR about anything related to it. he answered my question which is....are we still cool? and by saying we'd always be homies, i guess i got my answer. so, what's gonna happen next? who knows. he prob won't text for another 5-6 days...and i'm not sure who's "turn" it is to text anyway...but i damn sure am not/can't. i've already embarrassed myself enough for a lifetime.
Sigh. this is why i don't flirt with friends...gets too complicated...but i guess I AM making it too complicated...and i need to stop. i kinda wish i had just let his ass go...but it's a pretty ass...so i'm glad he texted me and glad we're still cool. Such contradictions! Such is my life. damn.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010 | 5:45 PM
In NYC this week and loving it. Feel like a part of me is more "whole" here among the throngs of people and anonymity that pervades NY's everyday scene. I can think clearly, feel, learn. Had dinner with a good friend from HBO tonight. I get the feeling he kind of likes me but he's too nice to mention it. Went to a sushi place...and the most refreshing question of the night? "How is LORI doing? What's going on with LORI?" meaning -- not work Lori, but Lori Lori. I forgot what it was like to get that question. I had to answer quickly or else dwell on what a nice questions/thought it was and get teary-eyed. He had such interest and friendly concern in his eyes...I miss that. It was so....nice. He was even rushing through dinner, but said he didn't want to feel rushed....even though he had somewhere to be. Nice, nice, nice.
After dinner, I walked from Times Square 20 blocks to my hotel...and on the way, I thought, wow. Why do I put up with LESS than genuine interest and concern from a man? Or anyone? Why settle for "text guy" who's fine as hell and seemingly too cute for me to really get involved with because he probably is used to women falling all over him and putting in all the work? Why settle for "intense, good kisser" guy when he barely texts or calls because he's so busy (even though I feel "perfect" when he looks at me)? Why settle for "been there for forever, sweet, life partner" guy when i'm not his ideal mate and when his negativity pulls me down, and there isn't even good sex to keep me sane?
I just spoke to a good girlfriend about it, and I told her I know everything will be alright...and I do. It's a weird calm. I wish I hadn't opened up so much to her, but fuck it - I live unapologetically. So, it is what it is. The only part I hate is that I'm pining over fine as hell guy and he probably hasn't thought twice about me since our last text session Monday night...#dayum.
Oh well. I'm just happy to be on this journey. This life lesson...life reflection...we only get 1 shot and then we die. So, until then, I'm going to continue to explore, implore and hopefully not shoot myself in the foot by running to the door...too quickly...when the possibility of something real confronts me...or not.
Saturday, August 14, 2010 | 7:27 AM
So, here we go again. Floating between 2 or 3 positions, and at the same time, none at all. Thank God I'm more self aware...self prepared...and self bared. Just a tad. Funny, in one regard, I feel completely open and able to be honest with a person, yet the connection is extremely loose. In another, the connection is closer, but I can't be as honest. In the last, the connection is supertight and superloose at the same time. Rather than make sense of it all, I've decided to float in the unawares. Be comfortable with not knowing where anything can lead, because I have no control over it. And thank God I don't. I could choose wrong. Rather than focusing on wrong or right, I'm focusing on ME. For once. Getting ME right. Not worried about everyone else BEFORE me and not taking care of everyone else BUT me. It feels good, and calm, and serene. But sometimes I catch a flashback of needing to be in control...to which I quietly tell my brain, "calm the fuck down". Or, I get a good friend to tell me such.
As Erykah Badu says in Window Seat, "I need you to want me. I need you to miss me. I need your attention, yes. I need you next to me. Ohh, I...need someone to clap for me. I need your direction. Somebody say 'come back, come back baby.'" She hit the nail on the head. Can I care for myself and do for myself with no problem? Of course. But it doesn't mean I don't need someone to pay attention. Show basic care. I get that...but not to the extent that I want it.
So who's the onus on? Me? Them? Him? Who is that anyway. "I just want a chance to fly...a chance to cry...and say a long bye bye". I feel ya, Erykah. Speaks to me.
We'll see, eh? Cheers...to tomorrow, and to today. What will be will be...and only so much of it is up to me.
Monday, January 11, 2010 | 4:19 PM
I'm a very sexual creature. I cannot deny it. It's in me...within me. Pulsating up from my core and throbbing in my throat. My sexuality takes over me...at certain times. I try to ignore it...push it to the the back of my thoughts. But there it goes again...the smell of sex infiltrates my nostrils, without any sex or sex smells being present...but it reminsices on what the scent used to smell like and dives into my nostrils, down to the core of my soul, and back up to my brain. How can a man abstain from sex for more than a year? I don't know. If I'm dying for it, how can he not be?
Listening to Jamie Foxx singing "Dj won't you play a love song"...and it's turning me on so. I need a man to tickle my senses....tease me...touch me....in the places that are unexpected. Don't go straight for the breast or beyond...tickle me with your mind and your hot breath inches away from my skin...whisper how u love my body and my mind....and how u want to love my soul. tickle me from the inside. then caress me on the outside. then take me in your big man hands and envelop me in your arms...with 1 swift move. mmmm....damn. i long for it. i need it. desire it. crave it. will die without it. i need...sex.
Thursday, September 10, 2009 | 7:31 PM
I've tried several times...to push past the pain
To forget about sex and romance...so I can live again
And though the days are good...the nights are silent
I breathe in...breathe out...and this is now my vent.
It's a silent succumbing....a casual numbing
That eases the mind when I think
It's a "put myself last", "put others first" birth
That's widened the gap, and deepened the dearth
Between me and what I used to hope for.
Is it still possible? Can it really be?
That I'd still find someone, when someone's holding me?
I think not, but then again, I tend to bid low
In hopes that no one and nothing drags me under the tow.
This fear I have...is so masqueraded that I can hardly see
that I have slowly but surely limited loved ones from seeing me
The real me.
I don't know how to be selfish anymore, even though I desperately need to be
It seems too self-serving for someone so blessed...even if it is me.
I want to take chances...I want to keep an open heart and mind.
But others may see my limitations as a romantic, pain-filled land mine.
But I can guide them where they step...make sure they proceed with caution and care
I'm sure they don't care, because they know better than to even go there.
It's too hard to explain to an outsider what it's like to live in my world.
They'd have to see past the physical whims and look inside at the soul of the girl.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008 | 1:28 PM
Met a guy...in NY...and had a great time dancing with the slight sound of desire all around us
He was cool and all, never let me fall, or slip or even misstep as he guided me across the black and white checkered floor
He held me close at times, and let me go at others, and the chase of it all gave way to my intrigue
And as he kissed my cheeks softly, and tried to pull me close, I need I had to tell him I had to leave
He dropped me off at my hotel, a complete gentleman the entire way
I didn't have to lie, or fuss about why he had to go the other way
As I laid in my bed, alone and wondering if he was really cute or if I was just filling a void with his presence
I had to think, who gives a fcuk...because all that matters is the moment, and for that, I'll be forever grateful...to him.
| 1:21 PM
Sometimes I get in these moods...where I feel very sentimental. It's raining outside and I can only hear the soft pounding of raindrops outside...or maybe I'm imagining it, because I'm far away from any kind of window. I'm in a box...cube...listening to my radio. The music is taking me to a place of longing, hidden passion, a desire for more...a desire for romance...for love...for affection...for passionate aggression...and for sweetness.
Sometimes I worry about me...I get caught up in a mood, a song, or a person and continue to build out a fantasy based on that 1 thing. It's funny, sometimes when I hear songs, it feels like I'm the person experiencing the things they're saying...like I've been the person on the other end of the relationship or breakup. Why is that? Probably because I haven't experienced such bad things or such passionate things as they describe...but sometimes, I wish I did.
I'm emotionally deep and complicated...but the sad part is...those closest to me probably have no idea of the complexity I feel or the depth that is in me. That makes it hard to exist...because then I have to always put on my "face" and show people who they expect to see, rather than get into the complicated details that embody the essence of me.
I can go a whole day with music guiding my feelings and me not speaking...just feeling. Is that odd? It almost seems preferable. I can tell more about a man by the way he acts than the words he speaks. But sometimes those words are precious...tender...aggressive...and sweet...all at the same time. I get chills thinking about the last time I heard someone say that.
Perhaps the things I'm missing in my life right now are the biggest things I need -- if that's the case, then what the hell am I doing? But, on the other hand, if I had those things, I'd have to take the bad with the good...and is it worth that in the end?
I don't know. Answers would be nice, but it seems that life spins us around and around and when we stop, we feel dizzy...so maybe it's best to keep on spinning...until everything around us spins as well...and therefore, voiding out the fact that things are constantly moving and won't stop until the end.
Thursday, July 24, 2008 | 7:20 PM
I'm looking for love, in all the right places
Many times, I see them pass, the everyday faces
I see in the crowds, they're lost, but I'm found
And I know what I truly want
I want that unbelievable, retrievable love from God
That's manifested in a man to whom He gave the nod
For me to meet, treat, and release my emotions completely
Without retreat, defeat, or second thoughts
Everytime I think I'm close, I'm really far away
Maybe that's because what I dream is for someone to stay.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008 | 9:39 PM
I guess it's high time that I stop waiting on everything to be perfect. That means so many things, but it rings true in my soul. Waiting on life to fall together like a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle -- better wait than never? Or is that late? Am I late to the game in this stage of my pain? Or does it take the pain to make me see? That life can be a dream turned into reality, but it will never be reality turned into a dream? Wow. That speaks to me.
Met a brotha the other day...actually have known him for a while. He sparked...something in me. Was it energy? I don't know but it made me feel free. Free to be me, I mean. Or, rather, back to being me -- but me is grown up now...matured...sophisticated...but still just the chill me as I'll always be. I'm happy with my growth -- where I've gone, and where I plan to go. I want...no, I have to touch the sky...and burst through it like a plane in a storm. I have to break the low ceilings and keep climbing so that my wings stay airborne. That's me -- "the bird" as he says. Ha. Too cute.
Well, what am I waiting for? I guess it's high time that I break free of the chains that I've looped around my neck, my body, my hands, and my mind. Everyone will be fine. That's not my problem, it's their's and damn it's time. For me to release everyone else's issues from my tormented mind so I can shine. Hell. Don't I deserve it? Ain't I worth it? I think...no - I know I am. And for me, damn...as sad as it seems because of the hearts I'll have to break and the people I'll have to leave...damn, it's high time for me to get back to the business of being, defining, and designing...me.
Sunday, February 03, 2008 | 9:33 AM
I live my life in fear of being hurt.
No you can't tell, but it covers me like a shirt.
And when you try to get close, you can't understand why
I can't let go of the ways you could make me cry.
That's usually my M.O. for cutting things off
But I'd hate to do that now without more thought
I just don't want to...because with you, I feel like me
The real me...the one I don't get the chance to be...fully.
So, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?
My mind is reeling and I can't keep it on track
I want to trust in you from the depths of my core
It hurts to know how I want you more and more
But I can never tell you that because I don't want to look insane
I don't want to scare you and make you bolt like a speed train
I wish there was just 1 person I could open up fully to
To tell them my deepest thoughts, desires...boy, I wish that were you.
But only I can really understand the craziness that goes on inside me
Because as strange as it sounds, I'm the only person I trust not to flee.
Sunday, November 25, 2007 | 2:29 PM
Tears well up in my eyes
As he tells me something, I'm surprised
Because maybe everything we've said...is a lie.
How I had hoped that this would be real
No spoken lies...just something I could feel
Have you ever hoped for something that you've never had?
Prayed for a different outcome than you've had in the past?
I know I feel something budding deep in my heart
but I can't take the possibility of being torn apart
My fear of the unknown paralyzes me at times
So I struggle everyday to not let my heart resign
Oh how I wished that this would be different, better yet, ideal
Where he looks at me at sees more than just outwardly appeal
He sees a woman of strength, brilliance, and someone from whom he can learn
A shining light in a world of darkness, she helps him and he helps her in turn
He's someone she can lean on when she's tired of being strong
He comforts her, picks her up, and is a shoulder to lean on
But is that a realistic thing to hope for in any relationship you may find?
Or is this just the fairytale I buck against that lives in little girls' minds?
I want a mature love, a love that can endure the test of time
Where we can grow together, change, and laugh instead of whine
But today, I felt that that may not actually be real
because he told me a secret, something that he didn't have to reveal
And it's cool because I am in no position to object to anything in his life
Whether it's a weekend getaway or something that gives him strife
All I can do is say "no problem" and keep it moving so that I show that I'm fine
But damn, I wish is our situations were different so he could really be mine.
Monday, October 01, 2007 | 4:02 PM
What iz luv really?
Iz it that weak in the knees feeling
I get when my heart's reeling
From the texts and emails he sends me everday?
Or iz it the thought of him calling
Each day as I keep falling
More for him in every kind of way?
Iz luv the stuff our grandparents have shown us
How growing old together is less about luv and more about trust?
Or iz it that neighborly luv we see from folks passin thru
Stoppin in for a quick visit and playing kissy poo?
Or iz luv the fact that i pick up his dirty draws without complaint
And realize that tho they're dirty, hell, i'm no saint
So iz luv the fact that he puts up with me and I put up with him
Even tho some days i want to bust out that door on a whim
No...luv is the fact that I stay thru it all
Thru the hurt, the fights and the apall
But luv is also the fact that he knows me inside and out
And without a doubt...luv is the fact that i don't pout
On the days when luv just ain't enough...
Wednesday, August 08, 2007 | 5:48 PM
could've lost my life the other day...or even an arm or leg
driving in my truck, i couldn't foresee what was to happen ahead
the guy comes out of nowhere and smashes into my side
i flipped a few times, crashed, and landed upside....down.
u never think about all of the bullshit u endure until something like this
all the stupid emails, the phony deadlines, the insignificant shit
who cares? not me...or do i? but why?
i guess it distracts me enough to let time fly by
why would i want that? i guess so i can stay in limbo
perhaps so i don't have to decide which way to go
left, right, here, there....it's a lot to figure out
and no matter what you choose, you could always lose out
kills me to even think about the decisions i need to make
but for now i guess i'll just sit here and do a pump fake.
Sunday, May 20, 2007 | 7:22 PM
Remember how when you were little, how much you enjoyed playing little games
They were always fun because if you lost, your friends were the ones to blame
Sad thing is...that as we get older...sometimes we have the urge to play again
But this time it's not just with your friends...it's with real women and real men.
As adults, the consequences are graver, so you have to proceed with care
Whenever you play a game with someone else...you ALWAYS have to be fair.
To become a full-fledged player, you have to give it your all every step of the way.
And though you don't know who will win...you've got to open up your heart to begin to play.
For, to embark on a new journey together, you've got to be more than a "fairweather friend"
You've got to stick through the ups and downs, the bullshit and run-arounds, and still be there in the end.
I don't trust anyone to play the game with their whole heart...because I don't do it myself
Why? Because I feel that no one else can truly know my value or internal wealth
Therefore, I hold back at every step...scared of what things I can't foresee
Afraid that once I let my guard down, he'll take advantage of me in need.
What game is this? The game of life...what other game is there to play?
This is the game where you roll the dice...and try to be the best we can be everyday.
But the whole time I'm playing this game, questions fill my head that I can't quiet down.
Such as what does he really want and is he just trying to give me the run-around?
Is he telling me the truth? Is he lying? How am I supposed to know?
That's the funny thing about adult games...you have no idea who's fake and who's "fa sho"
Who's real? Who's not? And who's just biding their time?
Is it me? Is it you? Or are we, in fact, truly intertwined?
If you said yes, I'm wouldn't believe you...because we've only known each other a short time.
And though I can wish with all my heart, you're still nowhere close to being mine.
So where does that leave us? Nowhere...which is exactly where we began.
Because to believe in you...the way I want to...it's gotta be part of God's plan.
But the games we play now are realer than anything I've ever known...
And because this is real, I've got to keep more control...
Of myself, my feelings, and whatever this is supposed to be...
Because I am the only one to blame if I lose this game...
And that's the harshest reality.
Friday, April 06, 2007 | 8:18 AM
Met a guy the other day, his eyes were as blue as the ocean
When he spoke to me, I could hardly remember it's my mouth I'm supposed to open
To talk to him, go back and forth, and converse like a human being
But his eyes stopped me dead in my tracks, and he was the only thing I was seeing
I felt like I could look right through him, and see the kind of person he was at his core
But all the while he kept talking, all I wanted to do was further implore
To ask him what he liked to do, where he liked to go, and did he find me at all attractive
But I had to remember that this was business, so I had to nod and smile as a reciprocal tactic
All I can think about is him, his voice, his eyes, and whether he's okay
Because when I left for the day, he said he was on his way to take his kid for a weekend stay
At his parents' house in Virgina, oh I wish I could remember, if he seemed into me or not
But all I can do is pray for his safety as he travels with whoever his significant other is and their tot
But did I ask him if he was single or taken, hell to the naw, as Whitney would say
Because I feared my heart would break, though I only met him over 2 days, at the thought of him being way-laid
By another woman, though I'm taken myself and I really don't have room for him in my life
But I'd make some room for him, like I would make room for dessert, after a night of pigging out
But damn, maybe this is all in my head...that he can see through me like I feel like I can see through him
Guess I'll find out on Monday when he said he'd call, and if I'm lucky, maybe he'll go out on a limb...
And say he likes me as much as I like him.
| 8:12 AM
What's going on with me inside
Sometimes I wanna laugh, sometimes I wanna cry
Life seems to throw things in my path to see if I can swerve
But if I let the change hit me dead on, what will I really learn
Is it that some things happen for a reason, unbeknownst to me?
Or is it that my choices will dictate who I will be?
The realness of it is that I'm still on a path...searching...for it
Only thing is, I don't know if my inner being is really fit
To receive what is is that the Lord has in store for me
But with each step or misstep, all I can do is continue to believe
That my soul is strong and sturdy, and of that I can rest assure
That with every day, every breath, no matter what curve balls life throws...I know that I can endure....
Sunday, January 14, 2007 | 8:42 AM
Do you believe in soulmates?
I don't know if I do.
Everytime I see a friend get married or have a baby, they're happy for a good little while, but then they're blue.
Is it that the dramatic nature of life's ups and downs caught them by surprise?
Or did they surmise
that all relationships ebb and flow and this is just their time?
But it'd be nice if someone could definitively resolve
whether there's a 1 to 1 ratio.
Friday, June 23, 2006 | 12:13 PM
Boredom. What is it? Where does it come from? Am I so restless that I can't stop and take in all of the pleasant stillness around me?
Busy-body, I am. Patient, I am not. Ready for the world, always. Have you ever felt "so close, yet so far away?" That's me. Everyday.
I meet the right people, say the right things, but still I question what does it all mean? How am I supposed to use this new knowledge, what am I supposed to do with those I've met...is there even an answer to these questions that I constantly ponder? Or is the answer staring me in my face but I don't know it?
Who knows...but what I do know is that I can't stop running, for if I stay still for too long, my dreams will expire. Now that would be dire...and I'm not ready for that. My dreams are still closeby, everyday I'm alive...because though the way to achieve them seems invisible, just like the wind I still know they're there.
Thursday, May 25, 2006 | 10:57 AM
Sometimes, I remind me...of my old self. The me before the bills, the relationship, the job. When I catch a glimpse of the old me, it takes me back to the time and place where I was naive enough to think life would always be this way.
This morning, I was choked up as I drove to my destination...my j.o.b. I was listening to Jill Scott talk about how she keeps on moving, keeps on living, keeps on dreaming, keeps on achieving...and I thought, wow. That used to be me. Still is, to some degree. I just get so busy with working for other people's goals that sometimes I forget to pursue my own.
When I saw the image of me when I was carefree...I took a quick breath...as if holding my breath would hold that moment in my mind for just a bit of time. Sadness tried to creep in at the thought of that girl who was now only within...me...but I didn't let it. I just remembered that the girl I saw...in my mind...was still me...and I just have to remind myself more often...of who she could be.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006 | 9:05 PM
This is for that side of me...that wants explore me creatively...and doesn't want to censor the adventure that rests in my soul. Welcome...to...my...soul chats. The chats with my soul....that overflow the reservoir that has been pooled over 26 years, 5 months, and some odd days and hours...
Hopefully, no one will know who I am. There's a deep calm in anonymity. So often, in this world, we have to pronounce who we are loudly...scream, even...to be heard, seen, or merely noticed...whether at work or at play....so it's nice just to be able to....unwind.
Let my hair down...my thoughts expand....my soul unzip....and release all of my innermost thoughts, dreams, hopes, and desires for my present and my future.
So, what do you desire? For me, it's to be like a bird...free and uninhibited...with the wind catching each feather in my wingspan. I want to act....I want to sing....I want to help people all over the world. But what do I do? Work in an office. And it's a good thing because I actually enjoy my work...however, there's a creative unrest within me...that can't let go...really...of my deepest desires for my life. Life is not a dress rehearsal. Or have you heard?
Dig on that.
Sunday, May 07, 2006 | 9:40 PM