In NYC this week and loving it. Feel like a part of me is more "whole" here among the throngs of people and anonymity that pervades NY's everyday scene. I can think clearly, feel, learn. Had dinner with a good friend from HBO tonight. I get the feeling he kind of likes me but he's too nice to mention it. Went to a sushi place...and the most refreshing question of the night? "How is LORI doing? What's going on with LORI?" meaning -- not work Lori, but Lori Lori. I forgot what it was like to get that question. I had to answer quickly or else dwell on what a nice questions/thought it was and get teary-eyed. He had such interest and friendly concern in his eyes...I miss that. It was so....nice. He was even rushing through dinner, but said he didn't want to feel rushed....even though he had somewhere to be. Nice, nice, nice.

After dinner, I walked from Times Square 20 blocks to my hotel...and on the way, I thought, wow. Why do I put up with LESS than genuine interest and concern from a man? Or anyone? Why settle for "text guy" who's fine as hell and seemingly too cute for me to really get involved with because he probably is used to women falling all over him and putting in all the work? Why settle for "intense, good kisser" guy when he barely texts or calls because he's so busy (even though I feel "perfect" when he looks at me)? Why settle for "been there for forever, sweet, life partner" guy when i'm not his ideal mate and when his negativity pulls me down, and there isn't even good sex to keep me sane?

I just spoke to a good girlfriend about it, and I told her I know everything will be alright...and I do. It's a weird calm. I wish I hadn't opened up so much to her, but fuck it - I live unapologetically. So, it is what it is. The only part I hate is that I'm pining over fine as hell guy and he probably hasn't thought twice about me since our last text session Monday night...#dayum.

Oh well. I'm just happy to be on this journey. This life lesson...life reflection...we only get 1 shot and then we die. So, until then, I'm going to continue to explore, implore and hopefully not shoot myself in the foot by running to the door...too quickly...when the possibility of something real confronts me...or not.