My grandparents have both died this year...within 3 months of each other. My grandfather, Papa, died January 4, 2011...after a long, debilitating decline into old age. My grandmother, Mama, just passed away April 30th...from a broken heart. One of my favorite movies is "The Notebook"...because the movie shows the meaning of "true love"...the kind of love that endures old age, degenerative diseases like Alzheimers...the kind of love where at 80+ years old, the husband says "that's my sweetheart in there...my home is with her."

I've always longed to believe in that kind of love...and it was only in the passing of both of my grandparents within this short frame of time that I truly became a believer. Some kinds of love...are unexplainable...unattainable...and underrated. It's the kind of love where you don't know where it's going but in the end, there's no where else you'd rather be. It's the kind of love your heart fights for...that you emotions long for...that your head hopes for....that people today don't understand.

As I sit here silently crying and typing...listening to the soundtrack from "the notebook" and reminiscing on the long talks my grandparents gave me on love, life, and happiness...I can't help but be thankful for the first hand example of what "true love" really means. It doesn't mean that you'll never experience heartache or disappointment...True love means that in spite of all of that, you'll stay together and love each other through it...until the end. When your spouse dies...and you're left alone...you realize that love can sustain you...but that love also can carry you over into the afterlife.

This is the kind of love I've always wanted to believe in but never had proof of...until my grandparents. While my current relationship is probably coming to an end...I try to hold out hope that one day, I too, can be as fortunate as my grandparents were to find everlasting love. That's the kind of love we should strive for...not perfect love, not loyal love...not forgiving love...but everlasting love. The kind of love that endures all.

Mama was a kind, yet biting/sharp lady, who leaned on her husband through thick and thin. Though she fought with him tooth and nail, she always loved him...and knew early on that she would love him until the end.

Papa, a comedic young man and a humorous old man, loved to tease Mama, even if only to make her smile after she got mad.

My grandmother said it best one day, when they were at my house for Christmas. I asked her "Mama, how do you feel about Papa now?" (she used to say, in the early days, that all she wanted was a divorce for Christmas...lol)...not too long ago, though, when she answered my question, she said succinctly and sweetly enough "I've got more years with him than I have left in this world." She loved him and was finally okay in admitting and boasting that to the world. While it may have taken over 60 years for her to publicly announce it, he was her best friend, her lover, her confidante, her business partner, and in the end, the only person she'd want to be with in life and in death.

I miss them so much...I don't think anyone can understand how much, other than my family. My heart is broken, but in death, all of our hearts are broken...it's just the cycle of life. We miss the good times...all of the advice she gave me....all of the advice he gave me...about life, love, and relationships. My siblings and I (and my mother) sat around the dinner table at my house a few Christmases ago, and they told us that the best person to marry was your best friend. They met at Tuskegee College in Alabama, and immediately my grandmother knew my grandfather was the man she wanted and needed to marry because he was loyal, a good student, and a distinguished man.

How I wished they could've seen me or any of my siblings married off. I worry that I may never find the right person to marry, but that's not something I can rightfully worry about. It's in God's hands (and mine, somewhat). If it happens, great. I just wish they could've seen it.

Now, the matriarch and patriarch of my family are gone...they were the only ones who led my family, since my parents divorced when I was 10 years old. So now, who do we look to for that leadership? that guidance? that love?

My family wasn't perfect, neither were my grandparents...but they were strong...and they were always there...as a unit. I haven't had any other "unit" in my life, other than them...that could command my family and rally us all.

My heart aches...even as I continue to write this. I wonder if I'll find it myself? Who knows. I'm just excited about the possibility of leaving myself open for that soon. It's scary, though...to place your whole heart in someone's hands. I've ever done that...ever. Never ever. I've been too scared....I've never tested the limits of my endurance for that kind of pain, and I was hoping I'd never have to. But, to live free is to let go and let God...and that can include pain. Look at Job...in the Bible...Pain is a human emotions....as is love...as is suffering..as is pleasure. All are the same and none are the same. The buddhist in me has to remember that, even though I'm a Christian by design and heart.

Love. Maybe one day, I'll receive it as much as I give it. :)

Peace.