This man...who got engaged..."fine as hell guy"...has been the obsession of my thoughts for an entire week. It's been horrible. I'm trying to push him out of my thoughts, and only now is it beginning to work. A little. Hopefully, by the end of this week, I will have cleaned him out of my system. So, to recap, 2 weeks ago before I went to Tokyo and Bangkok with the boyfriend, I text him (at the behest of my good actress friend) to ask him what happened to the drinks he mentioned when he called me to tell me he was getting engaged. He texted back and said "how about tomorrow?" and funny enough, I was leaving for Tokyo the next day so I said "I'm headed out of the country tomorrow for a week. How about the Wednesday after I get back?" and he said "Cool. Let's play it by ear." So, that was that. So, when I got back, I dreaded meeting him for drinks. I figured it could only go one of two ways. He could either 1) talk about all BS and small talk, which would be kind of meaningless given that he dropped the engagement news on me a couple of weeks ago or 2) tell/ask me to keep our relationship under wraps because it could jeopardize his engagement/marriage...in other words, he could try to check me, and I would not stand for that. I decided that if he chose option #2, to check me, I'd kindly say "this conversation is over" and walk out. That would be a justified move. Anyway, the Monday after I got back from Tokyo, he texted me and asked if we were still on for drinks that night...*thinking* wait, didn't I say Wednesday? Well, I told him my week was too tight that week, so let's push to the following week (mainly because my hair looked a hot mess after Tokyo because some chick in Bangkok put oil in it when I got a massage). So, he said fine to next week, and so we waited. The following week finally came, and it was the Monday of our drinks. I figured the onus was on me to text him to confirm this time, since he texted last time to confirm. So, I hit him up and asked him if he was still good for drinks. He said yes, but it may be around 9pm. I said "cool, just keep me posted." He hit me up around 6pm and let me know we were confirmed for drinks and we could do it at Vickery's in Glenwood Park. Bet. So, I head to the shoe store to kill time, and stumble on fabulous slingbacks with embellishments on the toe, and I change into them for our drink date. I was nervous, I must admit, because I had no idea how he'd approach it. I finally get there, and he's sitting at the bar on the phone. He waves me over, and give me a hug while he's on the phone and says just 1 minute. Of course, when he hugs me, electricity runs through my body, but I quickly shake it off and say "stand firm" to myself...I still don't know how this will turn out. So, when he gets off the phone, we chat about everything - work, mostly...but work/life balance too. So, I'm naturally thinking "okay, he chose option #1...cool, but whatever." Finally, he says to me (after 2 beers myself, and after his 3 Jack and Cokes)..."So, what's up with us? Are WE cool?" and I say "what do you mean 'what's up with us'?" and he says "well, we haven't talked since I called you to tell you the news...", so I say "Then...talk. Go for it." Of course, I didn't know what he'd say, so I steeled my nerves and prepared for anything. He then said that he really appreciated our relationship because we didn't sell each other dreams -- meaning, we never pretended it could be more than it was. And he said he really cared about me, which is why he wanted to call me before he got engaged to let me know. He said "I mean, I thought about it and asked my best friend...and I said, she'll probably always have a part of me...and he agreed that I should call you to tell you." So, I'm processing all of this...and he then says "I mean, if you had gotten engaged, I probably would've felt some kind of way about it, even though I would've congratulated you." And all I could think is "EXACTLY." But, of course I don't say that. I then start to speak, and I say "yeah, it was a shock, but I was happy for you. I mean, what we had was special and I really valued it...but you made a decision and I have to be happy for you." Then, he says "but, WE'RE still good, right? I mean, this is US." and I was like "yeah, but we can't really continue the way we were...I mean, you changed the game." And then we keep talking, I've finally relaxed, his knee is touching mine and we're laughing like old times...then he kisses me DEAD IN MY MOUTH. AT THE BAR. What?! So, I pull back and say "whoa, we can't do that...I have to respect myself enough not to, respect you, and respect your girl, even though I don't know her." and he says "c'mon, you know I respect you." Then, I told him I always wondered what his friends thought of me because I'm sure they thought I was scandalous...and he said "absolutely not. I respected you, so they respected you too." That's a nice way to put it, I thought. So, he leans in and kisses me AGAIN -- DEAD IN MY MOUTH...and I couldn't help but give in. DAMN MY HEART! Always betrays me when I need it to be strong. I'll have to fix that later. Anyway, then we get up to leave...and as we walk out, he says "I'm going to follow you." and I exclaim "To WHERE?!"..and he says "to your place." Now, PAUSE...dude, you are ENGAGED...recently, even (like 3 weeks engaged)...what the hell are you thinking/doing?! Fast forward...crazy thing about all of this is that the drinks were NOTHING like I thought. He didn't check me...at all...which was good. And in fact, I feel like it was the first time we really came clean about us both being in relationships and the way we thought of each other. He even said he missed me so much and how much I meant to him and how he'd never forget me. Sigh. Totally messed my mind UP. I've never heard him say that -- ever. But...now I have to let it go. I cannot be the girl who makes him feel whole and helps him get to his wedding day. Now that he's officially chosen, we both have to respect his choice. Secretly, I wish I could've been in the running for him...I didn't realize how much I felt for him and cared about him until that night we had drinks. Now, my mind won't stop thinking about it. But, I have to let it go. He did, officially, even if he still tries me. It's official. Cannot be the side piece. I deserve much much better. And so does his fiancee, I'm sure.