So, here we go again. Floating between 2 or 3 positions, and at the same time, none at all. Thank God I'm more self aware...self prepared...and self bared. Just a tad. Funny, in one regard, I feel completely open and able to be honest with a person, yet the connection is extremely loose. In another, the connection is closer, but I can't be as honest. In the last, the connection is supertight and superloose at the same time. Rather than make sense of it all, I've decided to float in the unawares. Be comfortable with not knowing where anything can lead, because I have no control over it. And thank God I don't. I could choose wrong. Rather than focusing on wrong or right, I'm focusing on ME. For once. Getting ME right. Not worried about everyone else BEFORE me and not taking care of everyone else BUT me. It feels good, and calm, and serene. But sometimes I catch a flashback of needing to be in control...to which I quietly tell my brain, "calm the fuck down". Or, I get a good friend to tell me such.

As Erykah Badu says in Window Seat, "I need you to want me. I need you to miss me. I need your attention, yes. I need you next to me. Ohh, I...need someone to clap for me. I need your direction. Somebody say 'come back, come back baby.'" She hit the nail on the head. Can I care for myself and do for myself with no problem? Of course. But it doesn't mean I don't need someone to pay attention. Show basic care. I get that...but not to the extent that I want it.

So who's the onus on? Me? Them? Him? Who is that anyway. "I just want a chance to fly...a chance to cry...and say a long bye bye". I feel ya, Erykah. Speaks to me.

We'll see, eh? Cheers...to tomorrow, and to today. What will be will be...and only so much of it is up to me.

Peace.