Drinking a glass of Chardonnay...unsure of what I'm about to say. I'm sad, hurt, tired, and sad...did i say sad? My maternal grandfather is dying and they don't expect him to make it until Monday (today is Saturday). It hurts me to see him dying before my eyes...and to know that HE knows he's dying. Our time here is so short. To be honest, sometimes I question why we're allowed to live at all? and experience the wonderful thing called life...create memories....have friends and loved ones...when the time is so short and when we all perish? That freaks me out. It freaks me out so bad that sometimes I scream when I think of it...especially when I think of how NONE of us know when our time will come. All we know is that it will...it definitely will. My grandfather has lived a long, wonderful life. He built a business from scratch, has 3 wonderful children and tons of grandkids. It's been a good life (in my Legends of the Fall voice). I just pray that he isn't in pain and that he has all of us surrounding him when he walks the long walk. That's all anyone can hope for, I suppose. I wish I had someone to confide in...well, I have this blog. Thank GOD for that. The guy doesn't understand, and that troubles me. I couldn't even be around him this afternoon. Instead, I went to target and spent $500 on random stuff to soothe the pain. Sometimes I just wish I had someone that would comfort me the way I need. Just understand and be there for me. No words needed...just a strong hug, a rub of the back, and I will know that you're there for me. Sigh. Can't worry about what i WISH i had...can only deal with what I DO have. funny..I DO. Many times, I DON'T. Well, most times...Damn. Life is hard. but i'm blessed to still be here and to still make new decisions that can impact my life for the better. And that's what I shall do. Promise.
