To marry or not to marry, that is the question. 2 months ago, I moved out of my home that I shared with my boyfriend of 8.5 years (technically, his home which we've shared for 7.5 years together). It was an extremely tough decision, but one that I felt was needed. I never thought I would've been in a relationship this long and not be married, although marriage was never a goal of mine. I guess I thought it'd magically whack me over the had and I'd be married or broken up after 2.5 years with any guy. If you don't know by then, when WILL you know??

I remember being bewildered at my stepmother because she was engaged 3 times before she met and married my father (and they've been married for 18 years now). She was with a lawyer (same as my guy) who was wonderful (same as my guy) who loved her to death (same as my guy) but there was no spark (same as my guy). They dated for 8 years, and she broke up with him, much to her family's dismay. Look who's (not) laughing now.

So, now it's been 2 months, and living alone (for the first time in my life) feels oddly refreshing and lonely, depending on the day. It's wonderfully peaceful and boring, also depending on what day it is. But I'm thankful for it. With my new-found digs has also come a new-found desire to spread my wings - romantically.

The problem is, the distance has made my guy's heart grow fonder and made him finally realize he's ready to marry me. While, before I left, I told him I was ready for marriage and ready to marry him (IF...big IF...he could fix the emotional and physical intimacy issues in our relationship), now I'm not so sure.

To be frank, I'm scared he may not be the right guy for me. The scariest part is that I love him to death, and he's so wonderful to me and for me, but the spark/passion/chemistry just isn't there...I'm not sure if I've seen it in the last 6 years, even. Actually, our first kiss was horrible and I had doubts then.

So what is a girl to do? I just found out that he's been speaking to my parents about marrying me, so I guess it's time to pay the piper now and put my money where my mouth is. But, I want to stall him...I need more time. I still haven't seen him address any of the issues...I still don't feel close to him, romantically speaking, and I still don't think we have the spark that every marriage needs.

I'm not sure I'm the one he really wants...given everything he's said over the years (e.g. "you're not my ideal wife type...you're too curvy, I don't have a problem marrying you if that's what you want"). Those things really hurt, which he knows, and they don't make me feel confident that I'm the #1 choice for him. I feel like a consolation prize. I want a man that cherishes me and feels so very lucky to be by my side. Someone who I have a spark with, who likes to pump me up and wants to see me/us grow in every way possible. Sigh.

Has it just faded or was it ever there? I think it was never there, if I speak honestly. That being said, what am I supposed to do now. I don't want to lose him, but I can't move forward with him with any confidence. Sigh. Adulthood sucks sometimes.