Listening to gravity, by john mayer...and saw 2 quotes on twitter that really spoke...are speaking...to me.

"Not following your heart is like driving without GPS. You'll always end up at the wrong destination."

and

"Sometimes God doesn't give what you think you want. Not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve better."

Those 2 quotes are so conflicting for me right now. The first one speaks to me and says "leave...be free..follow your heart, even if it doesn't know the destination." and the 2nd quote says "stay where you are...you deserve this...the good parts, anyway...and you can have a wonderful life if you just calm down and enjoy it."

how do we really value the "spark" in a relationship? Is it worth 20%? 50%? 70% No one ever talks about what weight we put on the "spark", because most people are cynics or realists and feel the spark never lasts anyway. But, damn...I've been in my relationship 9 years and *counting*...15 days. I still don't feel the "spark"...arguably, I never did. I had the thrill of a new relationship...the infatuation of being with a good man...the comfort of being with someone who would always be there and never leave...and the friendship of 2 best buds and roommates. But spark? Passion? As ol' girl said in Coming to America at the end when Eddie says he can give it all up for her -- "nahhhhh."

So, what to do? This Christmas, just 2 days ago, my BF gave me a box that looked like a ring box. My heart thundered with anticipation and fear...like, "omg...please don't let this be a ring...the time has come for me to decide...shit." And lo and behold, I open the box slowly and inside are the most beautiful diamond earrings I've ever seen. WHEW! SOOOO glad it wasn't a ring because we're not "there" yet...and I've told him not to propose until we're "there".. But damn, after 9 years, if we ain't "There" yet, will we ever be?

Hate to think I'm wasting my life, but I do enjoy being with him and hanging with him. I just don't enjoy anything passionate/romantic/sexual with him. I'm not even into it with him. That part has died out in my eyes...perhaps from the lengthy time "apart" romantically...or perhaps because I've never thought he was that into me like that. He loves me...he even likes me...but desires me? hmm...maybe when he's feeling lonely...but otherwise, he's just happy i'm there in his company.

I think he's getting a little antsy tho, but I'm just not feeling it. Can't really explain why...just not.it's been to long. my internal mechanisms have killed off that side of me with him. which sucks...but it is what it is.

so the only question is "what to do now"...fine as hell guy is over. his GF is moving to atlanta this week. he thinks i don't know, but our mutual homeboy told me (which is kinda hater-ish but also being a good friend-ish...so it's cool). all good. no sense pining away for something/someone that's never going to be a possibility. He's Mr. Wrong, as Mary J. and Drake say. Dah well. He was a beautiful idea....that's a better way to phrase it. A beautiful, fun, fantasy that never was a reality...and never could be.

How do you deal with a relationship when you love your guy to death, but don't think you'll ever feel anything more than a best friend type of feeling for him? don't ever want to hurt him..i know he'd always be there for me and never let me fall....and be a good father...but that spark is MIA and always has been.

Damn. No one told me life would be this hard. As Dr. Seuss said "sometimes the question is hard and the answer is simple." That is so the case here.

Peace.