So, I'm super sad today...the Falcons lost the Super Bowl (ughhhhh)....and I'm in Houston typing at my AirBNB. I hung out with a cutie (super young so he's not serious)...but it felt great to be pursued. It's just empty afterwards because it's not "real", ya know? Like, we flirted and such...even kissed...but that was it. Because he's too young to be serious. But he's super dope. Just awesome. Great chemistry too. Also, my secret crush on my photographer friend has to come to an end. I didn't reallllly entertain it because he has a girlfriend that he's in love with. But our friendship chemistry is really dope and great...and he's cute and awesome. But, I saw he just posted a pic of them together (she's really pretty - like naturally pretty with no makeup) and his caption said "my happiness". They look very happy together. I'm happy for him. Just sucks for me. It sucks because I'm not any closer to finding my forever relationship. Oh, and I'm super sad because apparently, the podcast i did with my photographer friend...hurt my dad's feelings. My friend asked me on the podcast where did i get the drive to work as hard as i do...was it from my parents? And I said, well because my parents divorced when i was 10...and my mom was a homemaker (and that was fine) and didn't have a lot of money after child support, i had to work. I said my dad worked hard as heck, but the child support check for 5 kids doesn't cover a lot. So, my stepmom told me today that he was hurt, even though he wouldn't really say it like that. And that broke my heart this morning. I never want my dad to feel hurt. I wasn't trying to belittle what he did for us...it's just, my drive came because my mom didn't work and we struggled...not because he wasn't great and did everything he could. Just sucks. Now I don't know what to do...I want to talk to him but don't know how to bring it up. But it's making me really sad...how do you fix something like that? I guess as he would say...the same way you build a house. one brick at a time. Le sigh...all of this is just making me feel unmoved and bummed...feel lost. What am I running from in relationships? Divorce. Hurt. Pain. Sometimes, it feels like no one wants me. Although I know that's not true. No one that I want wants me back. But maybe bc they're not meant for me anyway. Argh....just can't anymore. I'm getting older. I'm 37. and it feels like I've missed the boat on a husband and kids...because I work hard at my career. Feels like an unfair tradeoff. But, I do love what I do. I just need to date myself for now...that's all. But if I do, there goes the potential hubs and kids...I'm 37...time is quickly disappearing to have kids. If I miss that boat, I guess I just miss it. It'd be sad...but what can i do. Le sigh. Ok. Going to finish my pity party and hopefully feel better after I facetime my dad tonight. love always.